Making the Most of Your Two Week Wait (TWW) After Embryo Transfer or Fertility Treatment Part 2: Waiting Together

In my last blog, I discussed making the most of your Two Week Wait(TWW) after embryo transfer or fertility treatment. It focused on the needs of you, the individual. However, the fertility journey is often taken on by partners, engaging both of their hopes for a family. There are a number of actions that are important for a couple going through this process to care for one another and themselves as they face the stress and anxiety that accompanies the TTW. Some I wish I’d known when I was going through it, and others I learned either the hard way or from the support of others, both professional and personal. I am incredibly thankful for them all.

1. Talk to one another honestly about your feelings. This is a process you are both going through emotionally. Being open and honest in your communication is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship both now and in the future. This is part of building your nest for your future family – creating a unified, loving environment. Feather your nest with trust, teamwork, non-judgmental love, and acceptance. It is never too soon to start being the parents you want your children to have in the future. You will be their best, most important example of a loving, healthy relationship.
2. Create a safe space for one another. Practice active listening and also learn how you can support each other. You may find that you share many of the same fears, worries, and questions, and sharing that load can lessen the weight of that stress. But also discuss your hopes and dreams, imagine yourselves together in the future, and things you would like to see, do or share. Focus on the positive, the joy of being together, your joined efforts, and enjoying one another in a time when you are one another’s number one priority.
3. Learn in advance how you each will need to handle if the news isn’t positive. Will you need space? Will your partner want to step back and not jump directly into discussing the next steps? Would a distraction together – a movie, dinner, or hike – be helpful? You can’t read one another’s minds, so be specific, so no one feels shut out or surprised by the reactions.
4. Talk about how you want to receive the information when the results come in. Do you want the info left on a voicemail so you can listen together, or do you want your partner to listen and then tell you? Do you want to spend the day together on the day of the call so you can receive the information live together? This is very important, as I have learned the hard way. Decide and stick to the plan! With my first round of IVF, I had them call me—bad plan. I was at work and couldn’t function after the bad news. I largely hadn’t shared information with co-workers, but I was in serious need of support, and my husband was at his work. With the second round, we agreed to have the clinic call home and leave a message on our landline answering machine (it was the 90’s, what can I say?). We would listen to it together once we got home. My husband found he couldn’t concentrate at work, so he came home early and was coming in the door when the call came. He heard the news live. Worse yet, he called me while I was at work and told me he had heard the results because he felt guilty for hearing it without me. By then, I couldn’t stand not knowing if he knew, and he told me our result – “chemically positive,” as they phrase it. Full of hormones and already so emotional from three years of intensive treatment, I broke down loudly, sobbing in my cube. I was escorted to my boss’s office, unable to speak coherently. Embarrassing, as well as not having the support of my husband there for me. Seriously, make a plan and stick to it.
5. Set aside time to be a couple without discussing fertility. You are likely already doing this, and if you aren’t, it is a great time to start. Set aside an hour or a couple of quick check-in times a day to discuss the fertility process, but don’t let it be the only topic of conversation. Remember, you need one another as loved ones, regardless of the results, so nurture your relationship. Find distractions together – do a project together, go for a walk, a picnic, to a concert, do a binge marathon of a show you’ve both been meaning to watch, cook together, go to a movie, visit a museum, go to a comedy show, go to the batting cages, play a game– the possibilities are endless, but get out of the house and enjoy living in the moment together.
6. Keep your blood flowing and fill your body with its own happy hormones. I know you aren’t supposed to be having sexual intercourse or orgasms in general during this time, but affection, touching, hand-holding, hugging, kissing, massages, and snuggling are all healthy for your mind and body alike! They strengthen your couple bond by flooding your body with oxytocin and serotonin while giving you a greater sense of well-being, security, happiness, and abundance. This is a wonderful time for experimenting with sensuality and sensual pleasure! Does she like the tickle of a feather down her back? Try feeding him different textures and flavors of foods while he is blindfolded. Does a massage with lavender and rose oil helps you relax and sleep well? Be creative and get to know one another intimately on a deeper level. It is a beautiful learning process, a fun way to live in the moment, and could bring on some healthy giggles, if nothing else! Laughter is wonderful medicine.
7. This is a wonderful time to start, if you aren’t already, doing some light yoga, meditation, self-hypnosis, or prayers together. The practice of mindfulness is one that will benefit you throughout life, and doing these practices together will be beneficial for you individually and together. Having a daily ritual together can help pull you through tough times as well as strengthen your bond over the years. It can provide a touchstone, a rock in a storm, and bring you closer together. Practicing mindfulness, learning to step away and gain a sense of calm and control, is important in life – and can also be a key to parenting!
8. Have outside connections. This may seem to fly in the face of all the togetherness discussed above, but it isn’t. Humans are social animals. We all need outside contact and support to thrive. While you and your partner may be your biggest supporters, you shouldn’t be the only ones. The weight of the stress from fertility treatment can be overwhelming, and you are both going through it. You may need different types of support; you may need to blow off some steam or get a new point of view. You may both need more support than the other can give you at that time because they are stressed out as well. While you likely have kept the information of your medical issues largely to a select few, hopefully, you have someone other than your partner to talk to. A parent or family member, a friend, a therapist, a counselor – this is important for yourself and your partnership.  

My late husband and I attended a small couples support group sponsored by RESOLVE, and it was so helpful for all of us to share our experiences, ideas, and frustrations. Sometimes living in “fertilityland” feels like living in a parallel universe ruled by medical schedules and treatments. I remember thinking, “How crazy is it that we time going to the movies around an injection time, having my husband inject me from our meds carried in a little cooler in the car before grabbing our tickets and popcorn?” We made some friends for life, felt seen and heard, and lost much of the sense of isolation that these treatments can bring. Partners could support other partners living through their loved ones on hormones. Let’s face it – fertility hormones combined with stress can make us a bit more dramatic or sensitive than we normally are. Be it a therapeutic relationship or a personal friend, have a time when you can talk to someone other than your partner about your feelings and experiences.

I know that the TTW can feel like an eon when you are going through it, and it is so hard not to let your minds run in pointless circles. You can do it! You can strengthen your relationship and enjoy life together in the process.

Wishing you Fertile Awakenings!

Heather Haller