What do you think of when people say you must set “boundaries?” Is it a positive thought – “yes, setting boundaries helps me take better care of myself so I can be more productive and happier in my life?” Is it a negative thought? “That is so selfish! How can I say no without rocking the boat or upsetting someone? I feel like I need to say yes and take on responsibilities because if I don’t, who will? What will others think of me if I don’t do it?” Or do you just wonder, “what are boundaries anyway? What does ‘set boundaries’ even mean?”

You aren’t alone. Women, in particular, have largely been taught to prioritize taking care of others, pleasing others, maintaining the peace, and just getting things done without asking for help. I know I am not the only one who was raised with the tradition of being “the martyr” – putting everyone else’s needs before my own, being responsible for the care of all others, and putting on the “smile mask” while taking on activities or responsibilities that were draining my already empty batteries. I even made excuses for unacceptable treatment by employers or family members, not setting boundaries on their behavior and their treatment of me. How many of our mothers and grandmothers were burnout, overwhelmed, and exhausted? How many had physical and mental issues due to that endless running on empty and pushing themselves when they needed to rest and recover?

We want to be seen as strong, confident, capable, productive employees, family caretakers, loving parents, and caring friends. To have the energy to do these things well, we need to pick and choose what we invest our time and energy in, as well as have ways to recharge that energy. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself so that you can do the best at the things you must do or want to do. We need to realize our power to make choices, to say no, to delegate, to share and work together, and to drop the guilt and conditioning we have gained from society.

1. Identify your priorities and values. Think about what you want to achieve in different areas of your life, such as work, relationships, and personal growth. What activities or commitments align with those priorities? Once you clearly understand your values, it will be easier to set boundaries that align with them.
2. Understand your needs. It’s important to understand your needs and how they impact your well-being. Take the time to reflect on what makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and energized and what drains your energy and causes stress. Once you know your needs, you can set boundaries that protect them.
3. Practice saying “no.” Saying “no” is essential to setting boundaries and incredibly empowering – reminding you of your ability to control your life. We often struggle with saying “no” because we don’t want to disappoint or upset others. However, saying yes when you really mean no can lead to resentment, shame, burnout, and feeling overwhelmed. Start by practicing in low-risk situations, such as declining an invitation to a social event or saying no to a small request at work. As you become more comfortable saying no, you can gradually work up to more challenging situations.
4. Communicate your boundaries clearly. Use your voice! Setting boundaries is not just about saying no; it’s also about clearly communicating your needs and expectations. When setting a boundary, be specific about what you want and why it’s essential. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming or criticizing others. Using “I” statements can help to convey your perspective without being accusatory or confrontational. For example, instead of saying, “You’re asking too much of me,” you could say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need to focus on my own priorities.”
5. Be consistent. Consistency is key when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. Once you’ve established a boundary, stick to it. Don’t let others push you into compromising your needs or values. Be firm and assertive, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. That being said, offer an alternative If you’re unable to say yes to a request or invitation. Offering an alternative can help to soften the blow. For example, if you’re unable to take on a new project at work, you could offer to help brainstorm ideas or provide support in other ways.
6. Take care of yourself! Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re used to putting others’ needs before your own but remember that setting boundaries protects your time, energy, and resources. Remember that it’s okay to make your own decision and that you don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification. Respect your boundaries and prioritize your well-being. Ensure you’re taking care of yourself by prioritizing self-care activities that help you feel grounded and centered. This can include things like exercise, meditation, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends and family.
7. Practice Self-Compassion. Saying no can be challenging, and it’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself. If you struggle with saying no, remember that it’s a skill that can be learned and that it’s okay to make mistakes or feel uncomfortable. Practice self-care and self-compassion, and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Also, know that it is always right for you to speak up and set boundaries on how others treat or speak to you. You have the right to be heard.
8. Seek support. If you’re struggling to set boundaries or feel like you’re not making progress, seek support from a therapist or a support group. Talking to someone who understands your challenges can help you gain new insights and strategies for setting healthy boundaries.

You can break through old patterns and habits, giving yourself and those around you a better life by setting boundaries. Know and recognize what you will and won’t do, and keep your priorities close at hand. You have control over your body, time, energy, and how to use them. Boundaries aren’t to control you – but to set you free!