Talking to Yourself Is Healthy but Keep it Positive

People often cite “talking to themselves” as something negative, but in reality, it can be a powerful force for mental and physical health. The problem is, we often find the voice in our head is yapping away at us – and it often isn’t saying good things. It is constantly judging us, criticizing, second-guessing, expressing fear, or outright putting us down. Why do we beat ourselves up this way?

Have you ever listened to that voice – the words or phrases it uses? Where did they come from? Chances are these are things you learned to say to yourself from people or specific experiences in your life. You know how toddlers somehow always end up repeating the swear words or comments that are the last thing you want them to remember- usually at the worst time possible? Our brains can be that way – holding onto the negative things we’ve heard because they hurt us or made a large impression on us. If you listen to that obnoxious inner commentary, you’ll often find it isn’t YOUR voice at all! I sometimes call it Radio FU – and it is a bully from the past.

Guess what? It is TIME to get rid of those other voices and start developing your voice. A voice from you that tells you what you truly need and deserve to hear. You can become your own biggest cheerleader – and you should be! That nasty inner voice – the one that convinces you not to try something new, that gives you an excuse not to do something you want to do, that makes you feel shame or guilt, insulting your looks, your mind, your feelings, the one that says you are never doing enough so why try – needs to GO!

What if you overheard someone talking to a friend or loved one? To a child that way? Wouldn’t it make you angry, concerned, or uncomfortable? Would you stand up for them? Comfort them? Of course, you would want to, and perhaps you would take action on their behalf. Guess what – you should do the same for yourself! You deserve to love yourself and stand up for yourself – even against that internal voice, which isn’t your voice anyway.

1. Tell that voice to get out. Tell it is no longer welcome in your head. It has no right to talk to you that way anymore. Who is that voice? Your mother? Your gym teacher? Your manager? Your Uncle George? Endless ads telling you to seek this or that treatment to look right? No more. Only your voice is allowed now. Say it out loud in the mirror if you can, or at least out loud to yourself, “Shush. Get out. I’m an adult, and I think for myself now. I don’t need your messages anymore.” You can even tell them to F… off if you feel like swearing!
2. Take care of yourself. Remind yourself that that wasn’t your voice talking; it was just an old pattern, a memory that no longer has power over you. You make your own choices, and you choose to treat yourself with respect and love.
3. Forgive yourself. It can be challenging to break these old patterns, but you CAN do it. Sometimes you may slip up and hear that rotten Radio FU and start feeling bad about yourself, questioning your worth or decisions. Forgive yourself, but also remind yourself that the voice is an old pattern that is no longer a part of your life. You make the decisions about how you talk to yourself, and you choose to be loving to yourself.
4. Become your biggest cheerleader. When you think you look nice, tell yourself – even out loud – “I look great in this green sweater” or “my eyes are super sparkly today.” Congratulate yourself every step of the way – and you will make more steps easier. “I did it – I’m out of bed and dressed.” “I got that done by the deadline. Good job!” “I feel happy today, and I’m going to let myself enjoy it.” “I think I chose a great dinner recipe; I can’t wait to try it.” “I didn’t want to go to that doctor’s appointment, but I’m so glad I did, and it is over. Now I don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

You may feel a bit self-conscious at first, saying positive things to yourself or cheering yourself on for even simple things, but you “catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar,” as the adage says. The more you support yourself and feel in control of your feelings and decisions, the better you feel, and the better you become at things in your life. Saying these things aloud can make them more real – the words become sounds that your ears hear, giving them solidity and form. Eventually, your inner voice will start talking to you this way, and your will internalize these feelings of worth, independence, and value in yourself.

Before you think I am just blowing hot air, I want to tell you that this is something I learned the hard way for myself. As I struggled with infertility and IVF treatments, I realized that I hated my body. I felt betrayed by it, frustrated with it, and constantly yelled at it. One day in the shower – because don’t we all think best in the shower? – I had an epiphany. Here I was, expecting my body to work with me, to make a miracle happen even in the face of stress and injections and all that self-doubt and shame I was dumping on it. I realized that if I were in my body’s place, I certainly wouldn’t feel like trying to do anything for the person talking that way to me!

I decided it was time to apologize for my constant judging and scolding of my body and asked my body to work with me. I told it out loud (granted, feeling a little silly), looking down at my belly, that from now on, we would be partners, and that I truly believed that it was capable of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to childbirth. I felt a significant change in how I thought of myself and approached my fertility challenges. I believe this played a large role in the final success – my twin daughters. I told myself I believed in myself! The mind-body connection is real, and creating love and support for ourselves – body, mind, and spirit – can go a long way to creating a healthier, happier life. You deserve it, just as you are right now!