It Is Time to Talk: Why Sensuality and Intimacy Are So Important for Women Over 50

In a world that is obsessed both with youth and sex, it has been said that women over 40 become “invisible” in our society. Journalist Gail Sheehy said, “Sex and older women used to be considered an oxymoron, rarely mentioned in the same breath.” We certainly tend not to think of sensuality or sexuality when we think of older adults, but not only is this entirely incorrect, it is unhealthy! Perimenopause and menopause are times of new beginnings, not just endings. Our passions, the things that make us feel alive, the pleasurable feelings in our bodies, and the incredible energy within us may change or feel somewhat different, but it still exists and are keys to our vitality, regardless of age. Yet it seems this has long been a taboo subject – right up there with women’s sexuality and sensuality in general, to be honest.

Dear sisters, we have lived under the cover of stress and guilt, feeling we will be judged or looked down on for even engaging in or discussing sexual or sensual issues. We have trauma, personal and societal, that has mucked up our relationship with this very natural and healthy part of our lives. We need to work on that, and we can, together. Just ask Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda on the television series “Grace and Frankie!” Hollywood actresses are really starting to show their power as older women – from action heroes to passionate, desirable leading ladies living life to its fullest. Check out just some of the over 50 crowd that are still making waves in Hollywood and on stage: Hellen Mirren, Michelle Yeoh, Angela Bassett, Emma Thompson, Marisa Tomei, Viola Davis, Jamie Lee Curtis, Lucy Liu, Dame Judi Dench, Meryl Streep, Sigourney Weaver, Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Cate Blanchette, Julia Roberts, Sandra Oh, Rene Zellweger, Diane Keaton, Dolly Parton, Rita Moreno, Oprah Winfrey, Octavia Spencer, Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Kathy Bates, Cher, Christine Baranski, Bernadette Peters, Grace Jones – the list goes on!

Author Judith Plaskow says that “If sexuality is one dimension of our ability to live passionately. … then in cutting off our sexual feelings, we diminish our overall power to feel, know, and value deeply.” Sexuality is far more than the narrow definition of the physical act of sexual intercourse. It is your ability to connect with yourself, your environment, and others, to have pleasurable feelings from your five senses and from within yourself, and to allow yourself to feel pleasure and joy without guilt or fear, or stress. Author educator and spiritual writer Sera Beak says “Sexuality is less about the actual act of having pretty good sex . . . much more about surrounding yourself with an ever-simmering sensual energy, pulsing just underneath your daily life and infusing almost everything you do.” The very creative energy that is with us through life doesn’t end with our child-bearing years – in fact, we only become more empowered as the years go on, creating everything from art to policy, world change and fresh gardens, directing our creative energy in a thousand different directions of our choice. Following our passion – wherever it may lead us.

What makes you feel that warm flush of pleasure? It can be as simple as the juice of a sun-ripened hand-picked local fruit dripping from your mouth, the bubble of energy you feel when you hear a song you can’t help but dance to, the warmth of the sun on your skin, the scent of something special that awakens a memory or dream – and yes it can be the contentment or excitement that comes from the touch of another person, be it cuddling, kissing, or more intimate encounters of your choice.  You not only need to give consent to you yourself to enjoy these things but always be sure that activities involving another person are something YOU have given consent to. It is YOUR choice how you wish to celebrate your sensuality. The ability to feel and enjoy these pleasures is a gift and important to mental and physical health. Here are 10 reasons to start or continue living a sensual and sexually pleasurable life:

1. Improve physical health: Sensual and sexual activity is often linked to increased immunity to certain illnesses, such as colds and the flu. This is often due to the release of certain hormones during and after sexual activity, such as serotonin and oxytocin, which can have positive and calming effects. Additionally, physical stimulation can also lead to increased blood flow, as well as reduce chronic pain and stress. Women also commonly report increased feelings of relaxation and well-being after engaging in sexual activity.
2. Enhance confidence and self-esteem: Expressing your sensuality gives a feeling of empowerment and acceptance. So wear the clothes you want to wear, that make you feel good. Wear your hair the color and length you want to. You shine best when YOU feel good about how you look.
3. Improved communication: Being comfortable in your own skin allows you to communicate openly with partners. Knowing what you enjoy allows you to communicate it to others, and you should strive to be comfortable with explaining what you enjoy.
4. Strengthen relationships: Connecting on a sexual level can create a deeper bond between partners, as long as both are communicating honestly and lovingly. This can take practice, and requires a level of trust.
5. Enhance physical pleasure: Having better knowledge about yourself leads to heightened physical experiences. So don’t be afraid to explore different things – experiences, scents, lotions, textures, or “toys” to get to learn what you truly enjoy and what you don’t.
6. Connect with your body: Exploring your desires results in deeper insight into your sexuality and emotions. Learning deep breathing and mindfulness is a wonderful place to start.
7. Enhance vitality and youthfulness: Cultivating a creative, vibrant, and authentic sense of self reduces feelings of aging and that energy shows on the outside as well as the inside! Good blood flow benefits your skin and your, internal organs, and blood vessels.
8. Focus on pleasure: Being mindful of your own pleasure allows for a more pleasurable sexual experience. You’ll feel more pleasure if you are there in the moment, not worrying or thinking about other things. Be open to actually just receiving touch and pleasure. Focus on what gives YOU pleasure, and if you have a caring partner, they will feel pleasure from your pleasure.
9. Establish boundaries: Appropriately expressing yourself and what feels comfortable to you can lead to better understanding and respect from partners. A great place to practice consent and caring for yourself. Learn to check in and listen to your brain, heart, and body for agreement.
10. Increase self-awareness: Exploring your own sensuality and sexuality can lead to personal growth and development. Knowing yourself better will help you continue to fill your life with more joy, comfort, and happiness.

I know that many of these things require comfort levels, vocabularies, and skills you may never have practiced before, but you are never too old to learn to enjoy life. There are a variety of therapists, sex educators, sexologists, and hypnotherapists who are trained to help you as you explore this part of life. As a Certified Professional Hypnotist who has received special training as a Certified Sexual Freedom Practitioner with internationally known specialist Kaz Riley, I work with people who have faced these challenges and would love to help you work through issues and start to explore your own pleasure and sensuality in a healthy way. No shame or guilt – just honesty and support. Because you deserve it. And so I leave you with one more wonderful quote from journalist Gail Sheehy, “A seasoned women is spicy. She has been marinated in life experiences. Like a complex wine, she can be alternately sweet, tart, sparkling, mellow. She is both maternal and playful. Assured, alluring and resourceful.”