When you think about childbirth, what comes to your mind? Just about every movie, book, and video, from historical fiction to modern times, have one thing in common.  Pain. For a writer or screenwriter, it is often used to cause high drama – or in comedies, a way to have a woman’s pain appear as anger at the baby’s father, or to see the father bumbling about trying to do everything perfectly.  There is always the terror of “will she survive?  Will the baby survive?”  There is usually a great deal of fear and screaming and bustling midwives or medical folk looking concerned.  This isn’t just true in the media, of course – when women see an expectant woman, they seem compelled to bring out the gory or long, drawn-out birth stories.  Everyone has an opinion of what you should or shouldn’t do, likely filling you with confusion at best, and fear at worst.

I am not advocating any specific method of birth, and I’m not going to say whether or not to use medication.  These are personal decisions that you and your midwife/doctor make.  I want to talk about childbirth, inclusively and without judgment, because don’t women get judged enough without judging ourselves or each other?

The human race has survived millennia.  Our fellow mammals successfully give birth on their own, never expecting the worst and trusting their bodies to handle this natural process. That’s right – a natural process.  A process our bodies have evolved to do.  It is not an illness, not a disease, and while pregnancy and birth are demanding on a mother’s body, we are biologically created with the strength and endurance to give birth.  In some cultures still in existence today, women go out to the forest, lean against a tree, and give birth on their own.  I, for one, am not advocating that method, but it is proof that it can be done.

Humans are created as social animals.  The process of giving birth has almost always entailed women supporting other women, making them comfortable, encouraging them, and guiding them through the process from birthing to starting to breastfeed. Mothers were cared for and nourished in the days afterward.  I heard a wonderful story from an obstetrician I know about delivering a girl from a native tribe in Canada.  She and her methods – which largely include hypnosis training – were known to and respected among the women in the tribe.  When a young woman was in labor, a group of women came to her room at the hospital and sang, drummed, and chanted in support of the mother, giving her the strength of her history and culture and the loving support of her community to help her through.  What a beautiful idea to sing a baby into being!

By the time girls reach womanhood in today’s world, they are already filled with the idea that childbirth will be a terrifying, painful endeavor.  Many young women say they don’t want children because they are too afraid to suffer through the process – not because of any lack of wish to have children! What if we started to change that story?  What if we started to share positive birth stories?  What if we accepted it as a natural skill we are born with and presented it that way to our children as they grow to adulthood?  Instead of dragging out the horror stories, what if a pregnant mother could be met with good wishes, and encouragement that she will get through it and tell her about that incredible attachment and love that seems to erase the discomfort of labor?  We can change the story.

Just having a more positive attitude about the experience significantly reduces the stress a pregnant mother may have going into delivery!  If she is more relaxed, her muscles are more relaxed and more ready to expand and give the baby space to be born.  The decrease in stress hormones is passed on to the baby, and the baby is born more relaxed and comfortable as well. If the mother has a scheduled C-section or ends up with a last-minute C-section, her calmness and positive attitude toward the experience will help her body recover more quickly and keep her baby calmer. This is the real biochemical deal!

As the mother of twins, I was, of course, very concerned about childbirth.  Considered a “high-risk patient” because of a multiple pregnancy, just added to the level of fear and concern around birth.  The videos I watched in birthing classes weren’t helpful – lots of screaming and medical bustling.  Many a matron had filled me in with horrible detail on the birth stories they or friends or relatives had.  I was not just nervous, I was outright terrified!  I wanted to have a natural vaginal delivery, but knew that the C-Section might end up being required. It was a source of a lot of stress I did NOT need right then. I tell you this because I want you to know that I, too, had the same fears shaped by media and gossip.

That is why I was so completely taken aback when I watched several birth videos with an obstetrician who also taught hypnosis to her patients in the weeks before birth.  In these videos, I watched several women in the stages of labor and childbirth.  I saw little fear, and the environments were calm and quiet. The mothers were breathing deeply but naturally, often with their eyes closed – focusing not on the pain but on the breathing, and on flowing with the muscle contractions.  Some women would give a yell – but it wasn’t a yelp of pain or scream of fear – but more like the very concentrated focus power yell you hear in the martial arts or even the grunt of some professional female tennis players.  They were in control of their bodies and knew they could help themselves through the process.  They trusted their bodies to do things correctly.  Occasional soft support came from the birth partner or coach or midwife, often a soft rub on the back or shoulders from the partner to relieve tension and serve as a wordless reminder to keep breathing.  It was a far more peaceful and beautiful scene than you see in the latest medical drama, that’s for certain!

The icing on the cake was that, in some cases, the baby was born and, while breathing, was not crying! That is most unexpected in modern deliveries, where even the infant assessment APGAR scores expect a child to be crying.  In years past, they might even spank a baby to make it wail!  These babies were just relaxed because mom was relaxed. There wasn’t a flood of adrenaline and other stress hormones upsetting the infant from the other end of the umbilical cord.  These babies were just BEING!  I was astonished.  I knew I was seeing selective videos, and I know that not all births are going to happen in just this way, but it was inspiring to see that such a birth can exist.

You don’t need a ten-page birth plan or special vocabulary in the delivery room to have a calm, in-control, positive birth experience.  In fact, being so focused on a specific birth plan can be disappointing when things don’t go step by step the way you wish.  I just read an article mentioning that women who have attended some hypnotic birth classes and positive birthing classes felt terribly unprepared for what actually happened, and that breaks my heart.  The number one goal of childbirth is to have a healthy baby and mother.  Things can happen along the way, and for all your planning, you may change your mind at any time during birth, and sometimes things may happen that require a level of intervention you weren’t planning on.  And that is one hundred percent OKAY!  As in all things in life, preparation and intention are wonderful, but so is the ability to surrender yourself to the flow of life as it unfolds.  We cannot control everything, but we can approach things in a positive, hopeful, and confident manner.  There should be no guilt involved in your changing your mind or in an emergency that takes things in a different direction than planned!  You have not “failed” yourself or your child in any way.  There is no “perfect birth,” just individual births and experiences, each a journey and miracle in its own way.

If an instructor tells you there is only one right way to do things, they are flat-out wrong. The hypnosis and breathing techniques you learn in a class that is supposed to be about hypnosis in childbirth should focus on just that – the hypnosis, the process, a skill that you will often find helpful as a parent as well!  You need the knowledge that you were built to do this very natural process – women have the upper hand in endurance sports for a reason-, and confidence in their body’s ability to follow through.  You need the relaxation and positive outlook that can come from us changing the story about childbirth and proclaiming the good news that we can do this, and it doesn’t have to be a horror or feel out of control.  These things ultimately contribute to the healing and well-being of mother and child, no matter how the delivery happens.  You are going to have your child in the right way at the right time for you both – not necessarily the predicted time or chosen manner, but your little one – or ones – will come.

Ultimately, I have seen that learning self-hypnosis for childbirth – on our own or with a birth partner/coach, be it the father, your sister or mother, or a good friend – can truly give you a better pregnancy and labor.  Regardless of whether you are using a midwife or doctor, giving birth at home or in the delivery room, having a C-Section planned or emergency, hypnosis can help you have more control and confidence in your mind and less stress in your body.  I wish so badly I had the support of hypnosis during my infertility struggle and pregnancy, and that is why I have devoted myself to helping offer that training and support to women.  I want to change the story of childbirth.  I welcome you to allow me to be a part of the change.  Spread positive birth messages!