Being A Support and Ally to People Going Through Infertility: Dos and Don’ts

Chances are someone you know, from family to co-workers to friends, may be experiencing or has experienced issues. According to the CDC, “In the United States, among married women aged 15 to 49 years with no prior births, about 1 in 5 (19%) are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying (infertility). Also, about 1 in 4 (26%) women in this group have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term (impaired fecundity).”

But those are the technical terms. What it comes down to is that many people are facing this challenge – often in silence as it is such a personal, intimate issue. If someone trusts you with this information, you can be a supportive ally. In fact, by being supportive in a healthy way, you can help raise your friend or loved ones’ chances of success in treatment!! A healthy mind/body connection is essential for creating a fertile environment to welcome a new life, and having a compassionate and practical support network helps create a healthier mindset.

Unfortunately, some of the reactions and methods we first think of as supportive can actually be truly hurtful for the person or couple on the infertility journey. I know this is not lonely from my practice working with clients going through infertility, but from personal experience as someone who lived the IVF journey for three years. Let’s take a look at some “Dos and Don’ts” to help you be an infertility ally! And thank you in advance – you can really make a difference!

DO

• Let Them Know You Care

They have opened their heart to you, so let them know you care, that you are interested, and that you are willing to listen openly. Holding a safe space for them to talk and be heard without judgment is a great gift in and of itself. Remember you have been entrusted with this confidential information and keep it to yourself.

• Ask Them What They Need

They may not even know what they need, but at least let them know you are open to ideas. Maybe you could go to a difficult appointment with them – even knowing you are in the waiting room to be with them after a tough time lowers stress. Just getting them out for adult time where you focus on nothing but fun and doing something for themselves – going for walks, playing sports, going to the movies, coffee, crafting, art events, dancing, the sap, mini-golf, watching their older kids during an appointment or on date night– anything to have some mind time away from the topic. Laughter can be wonderful medicine – for real!

• Support their Decisions

If they have chosen to stop treatment, respect that. Let them know you are there for them no matter what decision they make and whatever way they choose to build their family – not to build it. Support them as an individual.

• Encourage Them to Get Professional Support

If you feel concerned about the mental or physical health of your loved one, don’t be afraid to suggest they talk to a professional for extra support. You are a source of nonjudgmental support, but you can’t solve everything. Individual therapists or topic-specific support groups can fill a need.

• Be Sensitive to Events and Holidays That Can Hurt

Holidays, birthdays, and events like baby showers can be super challenging, particularly if family or friends with children are attending. Understand that your friend may need to step back from these events to care for themselves. Let them know you are thinking of them on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, when they may keenly feel their struggle.

• Remember That Men Need Support, Too!

Regardless of whether there is a medical male factor or not, a man going through the infertility struggle is likely experiencing stress, grieving, or being emotionally exhausted by the treatments and rigors of treatment. They need to know it is safe to express their feelings to you – anger, sadness, guilt, frustration – without judgment and with sincere caring. And they need to get out and do things to enjoy life as well – as mentioned above, sporting events, cultural events, movies, etc.

• Do Let Your Friend or Family Know If you are Expecting

If you find you are an expectant parent, you shouldn’t hide this information, but be sensitive in how you share it. It is best to let them know privately so they can have space to express their emotions without having to hide them from others – including you. An e-mail or text that prepares them and lets them know your news, acknowledging that you know it may be difficult but that you wanted them to be included.

DON’T

• Don’t Think You Can’t Offer Support

You don’t have to have been through infertility or have been a parent to make a big difference in your friend’s or loved one’s life! Nothing listed in the “Do” section requires that!

• Don’t Ask If they are Pregnant Yet

Trust me – when they are ready, they will let you know they are expecting! Asking only emphasizes what isn’t the case, or it may still be early in pregnancy, a time when they are not ready to share this information. They may have previous miscarriages that make them cautious.

• Don’t Tell Them About a Greater Plan or Power of the Universe

You may think you are lightening the load, but it is a real slap in the face to have someone tell you that this is just the Universe’s/ God’s Plan for Them when they are working so hard to make it happen. Saying it just isn’t meant to be is cruel. It steals away their hope, makes them feel more guilty or disappointed than they already are, and is generally insulting, true or not. Beware of toxic positivity – while a positive attitude and hopefulness are important, expressing sadness or frustration is just as important as thinking of positive things. In fact, expressing those negative feelings helps clear them out to make room for hope and positive thoughts,

• Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice or Say, “You can Always Adopt”

If they want your advice, they will ask for it. Let their fertility professionals handle the medical and mental side of things, so don’t tell them what worked for your cousin’s sister’s friend or ask if they‘ve tried this diet or that sexual position. I can’t make this stuff up – it really happens. The way a person chooses to have a family is very much a personal decision, so meet them where they are – not with alternative options such as adoption. When and if they choose to embrace that method of family building is up to them, and if they choose it then you can be their cheerleader through that challenging process as well!

• Don’t Invalidate Their Feelings, Make Light of the Situation, or Shame Them

Sometimes your own discomfort with the painful situation may lead you to try to be funny or helpful by saying, “You’re lucky not to have kids!” or “I wish I had more time for myself as you do!” Don’t belittle their feelings or try to make their problems look insignificant compared to other issues in the world. They are living a personal crisis, and it is just as valid as anyone else’s struggle. As I mentioned about toxic positivity above, don’t accuse people of being “ungrateful” for what they have. They likely are very grateful, but they are in crisis and pain now and need to express it and feel it. It is hard to feel positive when so much negative is inside – let them clear it out with you so they can have some room to let the light shine in when they are ready.

• Don’t Avoid Talking About Your Pregnancy or Kids – Just be Mindful

Unless specifically requested, you don’t have to hide things about your pregnancy or children. These are normal, valid parts of your life, and this person is clearly an important part of your life as well. That being said, be mindful when you do discuss them. Don’t overshare about your pregnancy, and be aware that baby showers and such can be truly stressful events. Don’t be offended if they choose not to attend. They are just taking care of themselves.

You never know how much you touch a person’s life – and sometimes, the smallest things can make the biggest difference.  Your love and support, your compassion and empathy, your thoughtfulness, or your time, can all be part of helping your friend or family find happiness and success in building the family and the life they want.